Explore a collection of witty and amusing 90+ funny quotes in English that are bound to tickle your funny bone.
From clever one-liners to humorous observations, these quotes offer a dose of laughter and insight.
Whether you need a pick-me-up or want to share a chuckle with friends, these quotes are perfect for any occasion.
Enjoy the light-hearted wisdom and share the joy by spreading these funny quotes to brighten someone's day.
Funny Quotes in English
1. "I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy-saving mode."
2. "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me."
3. "I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
4. "I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
5. "My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."
6. "I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make it on Tuesdays.'"
7. "I hate it when people say, 'He's so smart and funny.' I'm like, 'Yeah, and I'm also humble!'"
8. "I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time."
9. "If there's no chocolate in heaven, I'm not going."
10. "I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life!"
11. "I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination."
12. "I'm not arguing, I'm simply explaining why I'm right."
13. "I'm not addicted to coffee. We're just in a committed relationship."
14. "I put the 'Pro' in procrastinate."
15. "I'm not short. I'm concentrated awesome."
16. "My patience is wearing thin, but my muffin top is still thick."
17. "I'm not clumsy, it's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
18. "I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
19. "I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me."
20. "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
21. "I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
22. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
23. "I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
24. "I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them."
25. "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me."
26. "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
27. "I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go by."
28. "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
29. "The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid."
30. "Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
I hope these quotes brought a smile to your face!
Funny Love Quotes
Here are 20 funny love quotes for you:
31. "Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably crap."
32. "I love you more than pizza, and that's saying a lot."
33. "Love is sharing your popcorn even when you only have three pieces left."
34. "Love is being stupid together. Luckily, we're experts at that."
35. "Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them."
36. "Love is being able to watch the same Netflix series over and over again without getting bored."
37. "If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. But if snoring is wrong, then I definitely want to be right."
38. "Love is finding someone who makes you laugh even when you have a mouthful of milk."
39. "I love you like a hobbit loves second breakfast."
40. "Love is having someone who steals all the blankets and still lets you cuddle them."
41. "Love is having someone who accepts you even when you're hangry."
42. "Love is never having to say 'I'm sorry, it was my fault. I was wrong.'"
43. "Love is being able to tolerate each other's weird habits...or at least pretending to."
44. "Love is when you're perfectly comfortable being weirdos together."
45. "Love is fighting over the last slice of pizza but still kissing each other with sauce on your faces."
46. "Love is finding someone who thinks your flaws are cute... or at least tolerable."
47. "Love is having someone who can make you laugh so hard that milk comes out of your nose... even if you weren't drinking milk."
48. "Love is when you can annoy each other but still can't imagine life without one another."
49. "Love is knowing that no matter how many times you trip and fall, there will always be someone there to laugh at you."
50. "Love is a game where both players forget the rules and just enjoy making up their own."
I hope these funny love quotes put a smile on your face!
Funny Quotes about Marriage
Here are 20 funny quotes about marriage:
51. "Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops."
52. "Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurassic Park."
53. "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband."
54. "Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."
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55. "Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one."
56. "Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?"
57. "Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night: first the ring, and then you wake up."
58. "Marriage is all about give and take. You give headaches, and she takes them."
59. "Marriage is finding someone who will tolerate your quirks while also driving you crazy with theirs."
60. "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. Even when the husband is wrong."
61. "Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will ever be the right one."
62. "Marriage is when a man realizes his wife is always right, but he just doesn't want her to know that he knows."
63. "Marriage is like a walk in the park... if the park were full of fire-breathing dragons and your partner was afraid of dragons."
64. "Marriage is like a sitcom. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's dramatic, and sometimes you just want to change the channel."
65. "Marriage is a bond where two people promise to be there for each other, unless it's raining or they have something better to do."
66. "Marriage is a relationship where you learn to love and cherish your spouse's annoying habits... or at least tolerate them."
67. "Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, but you're strapped in for the ride."
68. "Marriage is finding that one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life, and they feel the same way about you."
69. "Marriage is a partnership where you take turns being the hero and the villain, depending on who forgot to buy milk."
70. "Marriage is like a sitcom. You laugh, you cry, and at the end of the day, you can't imagine life without it."
Remember, these quotes are meant to bring a smile and should be taken in a light-hearted manner.
Short Funny Quotes
Here are 20 short funny quotes:
71. "I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
72. "I'm not clumsy, the floor just hates me."
73. "I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
74. "Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it."
75. "I put the 'Pro' in procrastinate."
76. "I'm not short, I'm concentrated awesome."
77. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
78. "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
79. "I'm not sure how many problems I have, because math is one of them."
80. "I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship."
81. "I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go by."
82. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
83. "I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life!"
84. "I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
85. "I'm not arguing, I'm simply explaining why I'm right."
86. "I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
87. "I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them."
88. "I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me."
89. "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
90. "I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go by."
These short funny quotes are sure to bring a smile to your face!
